Rich Mullins wrote a song – The Love of God.

There’s a wideness in God’s mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps his fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the wreckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Oh the love of God! The love of God makes me wonder why. Why does God care so much about man? Why does He go after some with such fury and not others? Why did He choose to pursue me? I was already a believer. He did not have to convince me. As it turned out, yes He did.

When I first heard the song, The Love of God, I cried, because that’s how I felt. A few years back, I was facing so much adversity. What had I done that would make God turn on me? I asked the Lord to show me, but He was silent. Divorce was not my call. Single parenting was not my call. My ex was abusive, adulterous, and manipulative. He wanted everything, even the children. It was going to be his way, or no way. He refused to pay a penny in child support. He has all the resources. Yet, he was ready to quit the Army so he would not be forced to pay child support. He took joy in telling me that his sergeant was in the same boat so he was not about to order him to comply. I did not want my circumstances to make me turn bitter, resentful or hateful, so I prayed.

That first year separated from my ex, he had no restraints. He dated so many women. When my daughters returned from a weekend visit they would tell me their dad had a different girlfriend. After years of dealing with his infidelities, my self-esteem still took a hit every time I heard of another woman. Once, (I think this girl was his first girlfriend after we separated.) this girl calls me at work (I don’t know how she found out where I worked.) to tell me that my ex had broken up with her. She couldn’t understand why he would suddenly end their relationship. She loved him. Silly woman expected me to give her some explanation for his behavior. She told me she had grown close to my daughters. Then, she had the audacity to asked if she could continue to have a relationship with my daughters. Eventually, my ex estranged himself from his daughters. Our divorce had the SPO, but he rarely followed it. If his daughters wanted to see him, I had to take them to him. He lived over 200 miles away. He was not going to be inconvenienced. As it turned out when he remarried, I was told the new wife gave him an ultimatum, her or his children. Can you guess who he chose? He had more children and he denied them to his new children and to new family members.

We tend to overlook sinful behaviors in those close to us

My ex had support for his behavior from friends and family. Unknowingly? I don’t know, but his sisters did help cover up his indiscretions. He told me that one of his sister’s told him he had to do whatever made him happy. Those close to me who knew my domestic violence plight never intervened. This was the hand that was dealt to me – raising children alone – because their dad wanted total control, or he wanted nothing. Uneducated, unskilled, and raising children alone, only the mercy and grace of a loving God could take a recipe made in hell and make something good of it. I highly doubt that my ex’s second marriage was free of conflict. My daughters would say as much. Nevertheless, he prospered and I struggled. He saw his children, when it was to his benefit. And I would cry out to the Lord.

The lessons from the cross are many

You may wonder what I learned through so much adversity. Well, first, the fallout of divorce affects children into adulthood. Second, a man who is only concerned with control, wants only to control. He spends his life trying to control those refusing to give up their autonomy. A man who does not hold himself accountable to anyone will do whatever he pleases. A parent justifies divorce, adulterous and abusive behaviors by blaming the partner, the one person they promised to love and honor. Husband or wife, either is capable of atrocities, but the data, no matter how you look at it, fathers/males have a higher percentage of committing child abuse and partner violence. My 66 years of life has yet to observe otherwise. Do you think that God’s people are immune from these social ills? No. God’s people can be cruel, deceptive, manipulative, etc., etc., etc.. And understanding and compassion is not found in the church. Fellow believers could see that I was afflicted, by God. Like Job, most thought I had unconfessed sin. I would pray and asked God to search me. “Show me Lord, where have I gone wrong?” I thought my life was never going to be any more than what it was. But that was not the case.

Writing is cathartic – it was my direct line to God when the spoken word failed to express my feelings

I wrote about my experiences in several books.

The Diary of a Christian Woman, Imagine God in the Clouds, A Father takes all, The Journey Endured – The Path to Meet God, I Will Not Be Afraid: Living in the last Hour – Reflections of a Christian Woman, Where are my Sheep?

I am on year 44 of my journey with God. I have lived through several chaotic times in this nation, but never like what we are experiencing today. The Scriptures teach that judgment starts with the house of God. As a new Christian 44 years ago, I can say that the hand dealt to me was not what I expected. It was not what scripture promised. Still, I believed in God. I was not a woman of obvious vices. After years of struggling with min wage jobs, I decided to get a college education. I had worked long enough to gain work experience, but I lacked a college degree. After I graduated with my BA, twenty-two years ago, I left my job of nine years for a job that had greater possibilities. Sadly, that too led no where. Then the unthinkable happened. I hit rock bottom. Fourteen years after my divorce, I still struggled but somehow, I knew that even in the abyss the Lord was still working in me. And the lessons intensified. I felt abandoned by God, but there was a stillness in me that refused to reject God, that still believed, He had a plan. And He did. Well, seven years later, His plan was such that in my wildest dreams I would never have imagined what He did for me.

Remember G I G O? garbage in – garbage out

God’s plan for my life required a total reconstruction of my thought life, my faith and a re-socialization into the gospel. Then I went on a diet of Rich Mullins music. I was already so turned off to CCM. The wishy washy lyrics did nothing more but remind me of how badly I felt about myself and my situation. Like I have said before, my friend would pray for me and try to encourage me. But she too would say that instead of things getting better, they only got worse. Listening to Rich Mullins, I felt, a kinship with a man that had passed fourteen years earlier. I found myself grieving for him as if he was a brother. His song lyrics made me feel as if I had been caught up in a world wind of God’s love since being abandoned by my ex. Even as I recall now my tears want to well up. The only thing holding them back is all the messy distractions right now. Literally, I have been giving my home a good scrubbing. But I needed a break.

I was remembering my prayers last night. As I prayed, I was like, “Lord, You know my heart. You know that I am fully persuaded of who You are. You alone know what You had to do to get me there. You are more real than anyone could possibly imagine. I know You can heal every sickness, broken hearts, distraught minds – You created man. Who knows His creations better than its Creator? No one. Yet, You don’t heal, sickness, the brokenhearted, or the tired soul. And I realize that’s it’s because we believe, but we don’t really believe. More on this next post. You are so long-suffering with man’s wretchedness. How much longer must we wait for you to move?

As long as we have our own resolve, use our own bootstraps to pull us up, there is no room for God to do what only He can do and what He wants to do in us and through us. And He will just let us try and fix our own messes. And the futility of man’s efforts get’s us into the messes we find ourselves in today.

Trial-tribulation and transformation – God directed – God led – God completed

For the Lord to even begin to transform my heart, I had to be fully persuaded that God is who He says He is. For many years, I was convinced otherwise. I kept repeating scripture, “I believe, Lord. But help me with my unbelief” I was far from being convinced of the reality of a living God. Transformation began when He made Himself real to me. It wasn’t my faith but His faithfulness that begin a good work in me. He started to dig deep into the recesses of my mind to show me who I was, and how I became the woman I was. As He was doing that He was slowing revealing more and more of Himself. Trial and tribulations have a purpose. When the Lord transforms the heart and mind of a believer, it is no longer the believer acting, but the Spirit of God living in that heart and mind, doing the Lord’s business and whose desire is to glorify God in the flesh, in this world. Then, Galatians 2:20 can ring true. “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”

Positive affirmations, building up self-esteem, reinventing oneself, being more assertive, all these practices do nothing but build up the flesh.

Be blessed.