Living in the Last Hour

Looking back at forty-plus years wearing the label “Christian woman”, my walk with the Lord I can confess – has never been easy. The joy of the Lord eluded me. For many years this journey had its highs and its lows. My faith was always on God, but I was constantly straddling the proverbial fence in trusting God and church attendance. I had to interact with the world yet somehow manage not to let it influence me. WelI, that was a lot easier said than done. I did/do not believe the Christian walk was meant to be an easy road to travel. Jesus Christ said those who believed in Him would be persecuted because of Him, but adversity was constant. I had yet to understand why exercising faith always competed with my goals, dreams, and ideals, which in certain circumstances lead me to take an unorthodox approach, especially with work schedules. I admit I did not like being judged for choosing to work Sundays. The position demanded it and I felt no spiritual conviction to do otherwise. The overarching theme. It is God who opens and closes doors.

Part of the journey – church attendance became judge and jury

Attending church did not provide the support or encouragement I so needed. The lack of positive experiences made for a lonely journey, but my Lord was always there. Years after my divorce, I still saw the physical church as “the church.” I had yet to learn the difference between the church and the body of Christ. To my dismay, church attendance did not make anyone necessarily godly. Regardless of Scripture, I discovered that attributing godliness to anyone could be subjective. It is not uncommon for Christians to differ on whom they consider godly. 

My first church community taught me many things – some of which I had to unlearn. Church attendance was key, the main sign of someone’s godliness, commitment, and spiritual focus. But it was those early experiences, that years later would confirm what I was not allowed to consider, the truth. Attending church didn’t stop Christians—or their leaders—from acting in ungodly ways. And I was one of many unsuspecting victims. My own experiences, proved to me that going to church did not make a person less likely to sin. That truth has not changed.

In church, or not, through the years, despite my moments of unbelief and endless feelings of rejection, I cannot imagine having endured so much adversity in my life without the Lord as my Comforter. Sadly, my Christian experience would be that of a life lived between a rock and a hard place. I say that because (in general) the world and even Christians can judge faith as a crutch. There is no trusting the Lord for the right job. If providing for my family was necessary, I would apply for a job cleaning toilets without hesitation. More than a few Christians believe lack, illness, adversity of all sorts is due to lack of faith. As a single parent, I faced criticism for working to provide for my family.  If only fellow believers realized how much faith it takes to raise children in a single parent home, regardless of circumstances. It’s a lose-lose situation. Judgement pervades and mercy evades. These are the places where believer’s tread. We are in the world, but we are not of this world. Still, worldly demands, expectations, and pressures greatly influence how we live in this world. Godly wisdom we must seek. When it came to exercising faith, it often took second place, or it transformed into a hodgepodge mess. I sought help believing it to be by faith, if it worked out, but that was not the case. Deceit was masked as faith. Hence the Scriptures instruct us to take every thought captive, to wait on the Lord. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord (Psalm 27:14, NKJV)!

All sorts of thoughts went through my head. Thoughts about my looks, my weight, inability to provide for my children, attributes I had or didn’t have, or wish I had, broken wishes and dreams that seem to define me – all played on a loop – to distract me from what God desired for His child. Why? Simple. We judge our own merits by what we ingest (these days) from social media, Hollywood, reference groups, family and friends. For me, I would compare myself to friends and family who were successful, but I had yet to earn a decent wage. The worst one is judging our self with fellow Christians who may be on different social economic, educational, etc. levels. Our measure of self is not based on a spiritual scale, but on the external. It’s not easy to go against the grain. A few years ago I was researching Rich Mullins. He was adored for his amazing inspirational music. Yet, his cultural beliefs were different than most evangelicals. He chose not to embrace the wealth and status that came with his success, something that was very unorthodox. His convictions touched me on so many levels.

As a young Christian woman, early on I was expected to dress the part, top to bottom, hair styled, makeup, dress with pantyhose and heels. Believe it or not, I was criticized when I fell short. Becoming a Christian came with a lot of do’s and don’ts. Feelings of condemnation inevitably surfaced, leading to shame for not fitting the mold. Then, while stationed in Germany with my ex-husband we were attending a church, mostly military families. I can’t recall the details. But after church service, one of the members, this woman who at first glance struck me as unconforming, comes out pushing a stroller. She was dressed rather bohemian style, but not too extreme, no makeup, no high heels, or hairdo, but beautiful nonetheless with her long blond hair. She greeted me. We introduced ourselves. We had a brief conversation and she shared her testimony. I was thrown. She had been a top executive with some big corporation, very successful with all the perks. Then she met the Lord. She felt a strong conviction about her life to that point, and she chose to give it all up for the cause of Christ. She even gave up the makeup and the clothes. She never looked back. That encounter was a turning point for me. When the Lord draws conviction, He brings to pass the change He desires in us. And it is not burdensome. That lesson was waiting for me.

What the Lord wants for His children goes beyond positive affirmations, or feeling good about self, which everyone seems to need these days. It is sad, that we (even Christians) are at a point where physical appearance and connections define everything about us. The need to feel good about self, to fit in, to be accepted to be acknowledged, all these “I” dilemmas (lust of the I’s) are hurting us.

“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust (Psalm 91).” 

Do you know anyone who wants to abide in the shadow of anyone? It’s all about the spotlight.

Positive affirmations focus on personal desires, but my trust in God’s promises is based on His intentions for me, not on how I may or may not see myself. It is not based on my need to feel good about myself in a world that is not my home. The Scriptures tell me that God’s goal for me is to become more like His Son, Christ Jesus. 

Be blessed. More reflections to come.