Living in the Last Hour

Indeed God has ways of humbling us, even when we don’t expect it, or feel like we don’t need anymore humbling. Not to say that I don’t need anymore humbling, but the last couple of weeks my family had one emotional experience after another. it started when my granddaughter tragically lost a younger sister to an accidental overdose. Then not even 48 hours later, my husband’s uncle passed away. On Saturday, my older sister shared that she believes she is experiencing early symptoms of dementia and that her doctor pretty much concurred. She did not want to share the news with anyone, but she wanted me to know since she sees me more often. She also shared her heartache over her youngest daughter’s estrangement. It has been six years since they’ve spoken. At 83 years old, and facing a variety of health issues and now dementia, she’s having a difficult time understanding her daughter’s behavior. She doesn’t feel she did anything to cause the separation, but her daughter feels differently. That day, a niece stopped by to visit with her cousins, and I found myself caught up in idle talk about my ex-husband. I knew that our divorce had divided his family but I had no idea that almost thirty years later family members are still talking about it. I found that heartbreaking. Then early Sunday morning my one year-old great-granddaughter had a seizure. Not to mention, the same week one at a time my other two sisters had called me. One called to tell me she took a serious fall and fractured her wrist. The other was driving home when she started experiencing extreme heat related issues, or so she thought. Not sure what she was experiencing she had to pull off the road and wait until it passed. Under any of these circumstances it is easy for anyone to feel helpless. I certainly did. Feeling helpless, I turn to my Lord in prayer.

The week before the onset of these incidents, we were on vacation in Port Aransas. My youngest daughter and her fiancée had a small wedding on the beach. It was a time of joy. The week before that, during a Bible study the couple had decided to move up their wedding date in obedience to the Lord. They have two children. Not 48 hours later, my new son-in-law received a layoff notice.

If you’ve ever known the love of God, you know it’s nothing but reckless and it’s nothing but raging. Sometimes it hurts to be loved, and if it doesn’t hurt it’s probably not love, may be infatuation. I think a lot of American people are infatuated with God, but we don’t really love Him, and they don’t really let Him love them. Being loved by God is one of the most painful things in the world, it’s also the only thing that can bring us salvation and it’s like everything else that is really wonderful, there’s a little bit of pain in it, little bit of hurt.

Rich Mullins

Today, I saw a man holding the sign up above. Usually, as soon as the light turns red, homeless folk asking for money start making their way through the traffic. This man did not. I thought it odd, that he did not approach our car. He did not walk into traffic. He just stood on the corner, his eyes looking downward as he wiped the sweat of his forehead. It was already over 100 degrees. Indeed he felt humbled. For an instant, he looked familiar. I had no cash to give him, holding back the tears in my helplessness I said a silent prayer. I was headed to an appointment with an oral surgeon not quite sure what I was facing.

We arrived at our destination. Inside, the office was full of patients. I had arrived early to fill out paperwork, but as always waiting only adds to the anxiousness. Thirty minutes seems like hours. I do not have any health or dental insurance so the cost of services had to paid upfront. Before the appointment was over we had paid almost $1000.

The message on the cardboard really hit home. Last week I went to see my regular dentist. I had concerns about this “thing” that developed on the roof of my mouth. The dentist referred me to the oral surgeon. He felt it was something that needed immediate attention. Well, I went today. It was the earliest I could get seen. The oral surgeon described the “thing” as a “lesion.” I gave him a timeline of how this thing developed. He could not tell me exactly what it was, and could not remove it without knowing more about it. He said that it looked cancerous, but that it may not be. He gave me other possibilities, but he really needed to do a biopsy to see what I facing. And of course, there might be more referrals. So he did the biopsy. He said it would be ten days or so before he got the results back. I was stunned just hearing the word. I held back a lot of tears, but some still leaked out. My husband was comforting, but he could sense my fear.

Bad news, especially related to health is never good. I say I will trust in God. I am fully persuaded that God has a plan for His children. I know that God loves me. And that He wants good things for me. I have never been to this specific place before. His plan for my life has had its highs and its lows. And sometimes it has hurt to be loved by God, like the time I faced three layoffs in a row. Even more difficult was having to face the fact that my first husband rejected our children because of his hate for me. To this day, I still do not know, or understand what fueled his hate. But that was not the same.

My faith in God is not because of anything I do, but because of who He is. I have learned that life can be short. It can be long. It can sweet. It can be difficult. It can be short and sweet, or long and difficult. And even when one lives a long life, it is never long enough. And God knows every day that He has fashioned out for me. On Friday, I am having minor surgery. I was concerned that this thing in my mouth was going to be a problem with anesthesia, but the oral surgeon said it was ok. Now the anesthesiologist and the doctor doing the surgery must decide if they are willing to go ahead with the surgery soon after a biopsy in my mouth.

God wants us to live humbly. And facing difficult situations sometimes makes us angry, especially at God. And it is hard to be humble when we just want to be angry over circumstances. The man on the corner had plenty of reasons to be angry. I think it is safe to assume He knew God to some degree. He recognized the God of the heavens. God wants us to live obedient lives and sometimes that hurts too. I ask myself what is God trying to tell me, or teach me through these circumstances, except that “He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8)?

God is faithful. I will trust in Him.

2 Timothy 2:13″If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.”

Hebrews 10:23 “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.”

I have never been here before, but I know God is already here. And He said He would never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

Be blessed.